Domestic Abuse

There comes a point in an abused woman's life when she is more afraid of staying than of leaving.

I left my husband four times and went back together with him even after I had gotten away successfully: and had my children and my own apartment, thank the Creator for PA state welfare in 1974, they made my safety possible. After a few months my husband was evicted figuring he could move in with me "temporarily". He was right but the abuse cycle was established, and the progression of violence that finally ended in my right leg.

Being ruled by fear made me desperate. I blamed myself because I believed my husband was my choice. (I made my bed...) I believed I deserved his displeasure and I began to fear and loath him. I was juggled between paralyzing fear and anger.

Leaving is all well & good if you have time to make plans, I only got to the road of making plans when my abusive husband was murdered. I was shattered with grief, I was overwhelmed with relief.

I'm so sorry about how poorly I coped in relation with my two young daughters, who were five and three when their loving, capable Father was taken away from them. Coming from my lens of being Motherless; I thought my kids were better off, I felt at my core it was better for my children to have a mother, any mother, than be left with only a clueless Father like I was.

I never understood at the time how Susan would be defined by grief for her entire life, she loved her Father & I didn't validate the enormity of her loss. Or my younger child, Wendy, tho Wendy never showed her grief and I assumed she managed it well.